I am finally putting some prose pieces here. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:
How to Make Easy Mac and Cheese!
Consider making Mac and Cheese from scratch. Immediately discard this idea. Get Mac and Cheese box from pantry. Rip open box. Prepare to dump pasta into 9-inch pot. Realize pot is dirty. Set Mac and Cheese box aside. Wash pot. Dump pasta into pot. Stop and leave kitchen to extricate child’s toy truck from extension cord. Return to kitchen, add water to pot. Realize this is wrong – dump now damp pasta into separate dish. Fill pot with water and place over high heat. Bring to rolling boil. Stop to answer text message from parent-volunteer. Realize trashcan is overflowing. Call husband to come empty trash. Hold door open for husband. Re-line trashcan with new trash bag. Wash hands. Turn down heat on pot that is now boiling over, scald finger slightly. Get ice, apply to finger. Check on pasta. Leave kitchen to calm frantically crying child. Return and remember to turn heat back up. Realize that pasta is now probably overcooked. Drain pasta and rinse immediately in cold water, taking care not to re-injure burnt finger. Pause to check box directions. Realize box is now on bottom of newly lined trashcan. Rescue box. Wash hands. Realize that you forgot to add cheese powder to pot. Dump powder and milk into small bowl and microwave on high for 90 seconds. Discover large lumps. Dump mixture into blender and blend on “high.” Place pasta in large dish and cover with freshly blended cheese sauce. Dump dirty pot, separate dish, blender, and small bowl into sink. Serve Mac and Cheese to hungry family. Leave immediately to join neighbor for cold Margarita.
People We Love
“You know, we have a really mediocre relationship,” she said one day, while finishing off a bottled Frappuccino and reading some torn out pages of the latest Rolling Stone. Candy did not like to keep magazines; she simply tore out the pages she wanted to read and threw the rest into the recycling.
“Mmm, and . . .where is this coming from?” he said wryly, seeing some kind of ‘boy-you’re-in-trouble-mister’ sign posted up ahead. He could feel his stomach tighten slightly.
“No, I mean that in a good way,” she laughed to ease the tension, “I mean, well, we don’t really expect much from each other, right?”
“Uh-huh . . .,” he murmured. Tread softly here, there are land-mines ahead. . .
“Really, I don’t expect much from you and you don’t expect all that much from me, and somehow we manage to make that work. . . we kind of live our lives side by side without disturbing each other too much.”
He said nothing.
“No, I agree with you.”
She continued, “And see, then, there are those people who get all high on the whole thing, and expect all these wonderful things, all this warm-fuzzy cloud-nine stuff, but that’s just not reality. They wind up expecting too much from each other, and they can’t meet those expectations and then in the end they just tear each other apart.”
“You mean, like Danny and Rosa?”
“Yeah, that’s it exactly . . .” she said. “See? They disappoint each other . . .they wind up getting all disillusioned and upset, or depressed, or whatever. But you know, I think you and me, we’ve managed to figure out something.”
“What’s that?” he asked, genuinely interested this time.
“We’ve figured out that we’re all just basically selfish people – that honestly, all we really care about is our own needs and wants. I mean really — deep down, we’re all very selfish. We don’t want to sacrifice anything or give up anything. Or change. And so we’ve learned to just accept that fact of human nature and just not expect too much from each other, if anything. Just live and let live and be thankful that you have someone to live it with. And so: Yes, it’s mediocre. Fine. It’s a mediocrerelationship — but at least we’re still together. That’s more than I can say for some people.”
His face brightened. “You know, for once, I can say without reservation that you are absolutely right . . .”
At that moment, he blinked and thanked the stars, the universe, fate, or whatever, or whoever was responsible that he had finally found someone who understood.
At that moment, Candy knew that it would probably be about 3 weeks (give or take) until she moved out.